


the FGO chatfic literally nobody asked for.

by Neo_New_Goomy



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Diavolo's Infinite Deaths (JoJo), F/F, F/M, M/M, Memes, also Riley Barclay cameo, also swearing, chat fic, nsfw mentions, original Servant characters, so much stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23107756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neo_New_Goomy/pseuds/Neo_New_Goomy
Summary: (UltimateLifeformSessyoin's name was changed to planetfricker69)planetfricker69: gIL YOU LiTTLE SHIT IT WAS ONE TImEShieldKouhai: lmfao why did you even let gilgamesh be a mod gudako
Comments: 17
Kudos: 51





	1. Day 1: welcome to hell

**\- gudako created channel "Chaldea Chatter"**

**\- gudako invited @ShieldKouhai and @olgirl_director**

gudako: y'all are wondering why i invited you to this empty server?

ShieldKouhai: yeah

olgirl_director: @gudako if this is another prank i'll throw myself back into chaldeas and not come out again

gudako: don't worry

gudako: i have a plan

**\- gudako left the server**

ShieldKouhai: wtf senpai no

ShieldKouhai: don't leave us hanging

**\- gudako joined the server**

**\- gudako invited @UltimateLifeformSessyoin, @El Dorito, @Casko, @NEEThime, @manletwriter, @🅱️ilgamesh, @Lizard, @GoodestDoc, @Gremlin Mage, @YarrHarrJojokes, and @Feral_Princess**

gudako: see? not a prank.

ShieldKouhai: gudako why the frick did you invite half of those people?

**\- (@YarrHarrJojokes changed their name to @DMmeforlolimemes)**

DMmeforlolimemes: lol this is lit @everyone also check out my snapchat @everyone

**\- gudako kicked @YarrHarrJojokes**

gudako: i meant to invite someone else

**\- gudako invited @YaBoyAstolfo**

YaBoyAstolfo: hey there guys

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: we need more than one channel

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: gudako we need more channels

NEEThime: omfg yeah we need a place to post my nerd crap

Gremlin Mage: [[default_dance_sans.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/004fc13cde571f3f9e2ddb8f5f1cc9ef/tenor.gif?itemid=12693690)] ;3

manletwriter: [[sans_christian_andersen.png](https://pics.me.me/thumb_sans-christran-andersen-adam-sansler-61561098.png)] :p

**\- El Dorito posted a video: [Women's Boxing Championship Finals 2019]**

**\- gudako created channel "danger zone"**

**\- gudako created channel "gallery"**

**\- gudako created channel "kotatsu residue"**

**\- gudako created channel "memes"**

gudako: there you go

gudako: go wild

ShieldKouhai: @gudako you know that's hell you're walking into, right?

gudako: lmao yeah

gudako: how bad could it get?


	2. Chapter 2

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: y'all are beneath me

🅱️ilgamesh: you don't have a legit job tho. checkmate, mongrel

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: you literally worked yourself to death gil

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: your not one to talk

🅱️ilgamesh: neither are you sessyoin i found $30 feet pics on ur patreon

ShieldKouhai: what

El Dorito: what

gudako: what

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: WHAHSJDJKSKD HOWD YOU FIND THOSE

🅱️ilgamesh: you left ur old-ass laptop open in the lunchroom

🅱️ilgamesh: i got evidence

🅱️ilgamesh: [kiara_feet_pics.jpg]

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: @🅱️ilgamesh DID YOU EVEN PAY FOR THOSE OR DID YOU JUSDJSSREUFCKIN STEAL EM

🅱️ilgamesh: idgaf mongrel

ShieldKouhai: gil thats not nice

gudako: idk mashu kiaras feet pics are pretty high qualtity

gudako: quaility

gudako: quailtitty

gudako: frick

**\- gudako pinned a message**

gudako: let the record show that i cant spell

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: quail titty

🅱️ilgamesh: quail titty

ShieldKouhai: quail titty

NEEThime: quail titty

El Dorito: quail titty

Feral_Princess: quail titty

gudako: har har

El Dorito: wait kiara sells feet pics?

ShieldKouhai: yo kiara i'm on ur twitter

ShieldKouhai: uh

ShieldKouhai: 😰😰😰

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: oh shit she found my nOOds

gudako: wtf kiara why do you have so many lewds on your patreon?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: easy money

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: feet pics are the least horny thing on there

ShieldKouhai: kiara these are indecent

🅱️ilgamesh: i leave for thirty seconds

🅱️ilgamesh: and come back to kiara selling her lewds on patreon

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: someone pinch mashu before she goes into shock

🅱️ilgamesh: like seriously lmfao

ShieldKouhai: it is too late for me.

ShieldKouhai: i have seen the root. 

ShieldKouhai: and it is kiara's $60 patreon nudes

ShieldKouhai: [[kiara_nekkid.jpeg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8veTn8YZ0_E)]

🅱️ilgamesh: mashu what? the shit?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: lmfao she actually bought one

gudako: mashu are you ok

ShieldKouhai: no.

El Dorito: omfg what the actual hell kiara is legit shredded

El Dorito: shes got like 6-pack abs and shit

El Dorito: [kiara_nekkid2.jpeg]

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: thats right i lift

gudako: AKXNSAZSDJSEJAJDLKfjksjdckAL SHE HOT

manletwriter: @UltimateLifeformSessyoin i diagnose you with horny on main

**\- manletwriter muted @UltimateLifeformSessyoin for 1 hour**

manletwriter: absolutely disgusting

gudako: andersen no we were having fun

**\- gudako unmuted @UltimateLifeformSessyoin**

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: thats right manlet i have real friends.

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: unlike ur dumb book club

manletwriter: and yet you still sell your lewds on patreon. which of us is more cultured?

gudako: i'm still digesting the image of kiara at the gym

El Dorito: KIARA U SHOULD COME WORK OUT WITH ME SOMETIMES XD

manletwriter: my book club is at 8 pm tonight

El Dorito: can't make it, sorry.

El Dorito: hittin the gym w/ kiara

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: wow thats a first

manletwriter: anyone coming at all?

NEEThime: can i bring manga?

🅱️ilgamesh: im bringing kiaras feet pics

manletwriter: you all disgust me.


	3. Chapter 3

gudako: im bored.

gudako: when does lostbelt 1 drop?

ShieldKouhai: idk, some time in april?

gudako: from what i heard we're going to russia

gudako: we can get vodka

ShieldKouhai: senpai you're underage

ShieldKouhai: they won't let you buy alcohol

gudako: pls its russia the drinking age there is like 10.

NFF: as a russian i know thats bs

NFF: russia's drinking age is 21 just like everywhere else

gudako: vicchi ur really russian?

Casko: no shes not

Casko: she kins gru from despicable me

NFF: akljfdc;WHY DID U SAY THAT ThAT'S COMPLETE BS

NFF: i kin shadow the hedgehog.

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: i hate shadow.

Casko: wHY HES SO COOL

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: hes competition. right up there with kars from jojo and that qin dynasty era ruler guy.

gudako: who, QSH? hes like dub pegasus

NEEThime: bring up 4kids again and ill put bat guano in your shoes

NEEThime: im serious

gudako: pls no

🅱️ilgamesh: aight im goign to dennys

🅱️ilgamesh: anyone wanna join me?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: im in

gudako: im in

ShieldKouhai: im in

NFF: im in

Casko: im in

Feral_Princess: im in

🅱️ilgamesh: anyone else? no? ok, we;ll leave tomorrow morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, a two-part chapter  
> this won't end well.


	4. Day 4 - denny's cryptid located

claybae: were we droppin bois?

🅱️ilgamesh: lookit that my bros all grown up

🅱️ilgamesh: we at dennys lol

claybae: lol ok

gudako: ok one more yolo gacha while i wait for mashu to get out of the bathroom

gudako: ooh gold sparks, who could it be?

🅱️ilgamesh: lol watch it be a duplicate stheno

gudako: LKSDJF DSFFFASSASSIN CARD

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: if its stheno i think gudako will literally explode

**ー@kama joined the server**

gudako: ASKDGDKDGJKAMA

🅱️ilgamesh: KAMA

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: KAMA

kama: sup

Toesucker: KAMA

ShieldKouhai: guys are u ok

gudako: no

**-gudako posted an image: [[babey](https://66.media.tumblr.com/4569194bd040ab5576137b1b26d83023/tumblr_inline_ole14uSS451smm0fz_540.jpg)]**

**-@kama's name was changed to "@i'm babey" by UltimateLifeformSessyoin**

i'm babey: thx kiara

i'm babey: ur feet pics are lacking tho

Toesucker: KLJHBHJDCFCKNG DESTROYED

🅱️ilgamesh: lol

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: pls tell me how i can improve

i'm babey: i'll pm u the deets, k?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: k see ya.

i'm babey: ooh, we at dennys?

🅱️ilgamesh: yeah it was my idea.

i'm babey: thx, pancakes are gr8

i'm babey: ooh, coffee

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: NO DONT TOUCH THAT THAT IS MY COFFEE

gudako: kiara i know she looks like a 12-year-old rn but she's also a heroic spirit

gudako: it'll take a crap ton of caffeine to affect her negatively

i'm baby: _**holy shit**_

gudako: uh oh.

i'm babey: i can see colors

i'm babey: My knuckles are the size of **_gods_**

i'm babey: kiara wtf was in ur coffee?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: uhhh i used red bull energy drink instead of water?

gudako: LKAFJDS KGBADFJDXKBSXHFADHGCHACV IEJMDH VFCJFSC

ShieldKouhai: well, we did it. we broke senpai.

gudako: kiara how tf u still alive?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: red bull coffee

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: its a blessing and a curse.

gudako: ooh my grand slam is here

gudako: lets eat


	5. Day 5 - the duel links experience

**@gudako invited @Rokket_Boi to the server**

**@gudako invited @Playmaker to the server**

Rokket_Boi: yusaku you fked up big time

Playmaker: wtf u mean varis

Rokket_Boi: why tf the first thing i see are feet pics?

UltimateLifeformSessyoin: owo wats this?

gudako: new friends

🅱️ee **🅱️** ee: welcome to hell frickbois im your bestest kouhai ai freind

Rokket_Boi: oh no

Playmaker: what's wrong varis

Rokket_Boi: i've seen enough terminator to know that free-range AI is a crap idea.

🅱️ee🅱️ee: don't worry im friendly

Rokket_Boi: promise you won't go rogue and hack every nuke in the world?

Playmaker: is that why you don't like ai? because you watched terminator?

Rokket_Boi: yes now stfu playfaker

🅱️ee🅱️ee: lol

Rokket_Boi: i have gun dragons

🅱️ee🅱️ee: nice *kisses u*

Rokket_Boi: uh wtf?

gudako: lol she likes u


	6. Day 6 - singularity f memorial quest but i want to game end myself

gudako: AILKFNDJFFCK

ShieldKouhai: whats wrong?

gudako: saber alter is whats wrong she decimated every team ive thrown at her

🅱️ilgamesh: hOW I HAVE CLASS ADVANTAGE AND SHE ONE-SHOT ME WITH A QUICK CARD

Rokket_Boi: my solution is git gud.

gudako: thats it varis i'm throwing you and your gun dragons at her

Rokket_Boi: NO PLEASE HAVE MERCY IT WAS A JOKE

🅱️ilgamesh: ngl varis might have a chance against salter

Borgar_King: whomst summoned the ancient one?!

gudako: not you salter, the singularity f memorial quest in the training room is broken.

Borgar_King: explain

gudako: it puts you against a single level 90 salter but she's op af.

🅱️ilgamesh: like brawl meta knight op?

Rokket_Boi: pls no i have a date with bb at 6 pm

ShieldKouhai: varis what?

Rokket_Boi: pls no i have important business _(edited)_

Playmaker: HOE I SAW THAT

Playmaker: "sentient AI is dangerous" MY ASS

Rokket_Boi: theres a perfectly logical explanation for this.

gudako: perfect, i'll take bb as well.

gudako: you two can bond over broken video game characters.

Rokket_Boi: IT ISNT THAT KIND OF DATE

Borgar_King: sure it aint

Borgar_King: varis and bb sitting in a tree

🅱️ilgamesh: kissing

Rokket_Boi: i was gonna play fortnite with her and okkie

Playmaker: we are no longer friends varis

Rokket_Boi: what why

beard: lol fortnite is DEAD.

beard: if i have to tell you that, then it's DEAD.

gudako: i thought i banned blackbeard but as long as he's not posting loli lewds we should be fine.

beard: you fool i have 70 alternative accounts

ShieldKouhai: you do realize that's not how discord works at all?

beard: no?

gudako: no lewd lolis ok?

beard: ok whatev

Rokket_Boi: please end my st louis missouri

Borgar_King: if you go to the training room with gudako i promise you won't feel anything ever again >:)


	7. Day 7 - what did i do to deserve you guys

i'm babey: weird question but uhhhh

i'm babey: what cartoon character would you fucc?

gudako: WHJAJDJDHJSAFAFCK

ShieldKouhai: is it bad to say i kin pidge from voltron

🅱️ee🅱️ee: i would literally die for hakuno but since we talking cartoon characters then i'd say that diavolo from jojo is a snacc

ShieldKouhai: wha

🅱️ilgamesh: reading that made me speedrun the five stages of grief but i got stuck on depression

Rokket_Boi: bb every time i think you're not nuts you prove me wrong but i can't stay mad at you since ur so cute

🅱️ee🅱️ee: bruh im always crazy

Rokket_Boi: no u aint

🅱️ee🅱️ee: lol

gudako: i have no answers to anything on this hellsite

Rokket_Boi: but i do.

Rokket_Boi: [[diavolo_vs_femur_breaker_requiem.png](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EdAt3tWUMAEEyXp?format=png&name=small)]

🅱️ee🅱️ee: you know, given how random the throne of heroes works, there is a non-zero chance diavolo will show up. ;)

gudako: bb don't you dare

🅱️ee🅱️ee: i'm just saying.


	8. Day 8 - hnng more content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol u thought i wouldn't? you don't know my brain very well then

**-@bossu joined the server**

bossu: where the fuk am i

bossu: am i dead again

bossu: whos that french guy who looks like i did before i turned to a life of crime and regret?

YaBoiAstolfo: what

gudako: @🅱️ee🅱️ee YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

Rokket_Boi: dear god no

bossu: who are you people

bossu: why is there a picture of something called femur breaker requiem?

🅱️ee🅱️ee: dude its a joke

bossu: i wanna go home

🅱️ee🅱️ee: you are home now

bossu: please end my st louis missouri


	9. Day 9 - good lord it has been three months since i last posted

Borgar_King: lmfao mashu look at this

Borgar_King: [[my_first_yugipoop.png](https://64.media.tumblr.com/c44ae1071e2e50db33f1135c348b467a/328dc4ac3139d379-ea/s500x750/5d5c39f91b50a225302b048fd60dfbccfb0e1966.png)]

ShieldKouhai: salter no

Rokket_Boi: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THAT POOR CARD?!

Borgar_King: dont get mad at me get mad at this fic's writer.

gudako: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

NFF: gudako wtf happened

gudako: i had a nightmare diavolo was summoned and also the moon had hands.

ShieldKouhai: are you ok?

gudako: no a part of me is forever sullied and i will never feel whole again

gudako: i declare war on the freaky ass moon hands


End file.
